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Fri, Mar. 5th, 2004, 09:24 pm
Crazy and Cynical

Thursday: I had the craziest night. Usually I refrain from going out to the bars however Thursday I got talked into it. We mobbed 12 deep and just went nuts. We almost got into about 4 fights, we had a huge snowball fight, got very drunk, and lost. At one point we were walking a block north of the apartment we were supposed to sleep at, however we couldn't find the apartment building. It was very disappointing. I am confused about drinking alot. On one hand I enjoy it on the other though I know it isn't good for me. Usually by only going out now and then I have a happy medium. I need to find some resolve though and pick a side.

Friday: Went out to dinner with my gf at place called Zolos in Boulder. The food was bomb. They had possibly some of the best guac I had ever eaten. I got fish tacos and she got tuna. It was both excellent. Since we usually go out every week I was surprised we had missed this place. It wasn't very expensive either, so that was nice.

This is when the fuzziness started. After she left my house about 2 hours later I got a phone call. Last night her friend died. She was in hysterics, crying for a hour and a half. I just tried to talk and listen to her best I could. However today I called her and in the morning she was still kinda hysteric. I called and checked on her again this afternoon and she is just like "I'm fine I'm fine" in this totally bitchy voice. Whenever she has any kind of emotional issues rather then talking about it she just bottles it in and acts really out of it and pissed off. Usually it is at me for something I did or something like that. So I just keep on bugging her until she tells me why she is upset and talks about it. It takes forever sometimes but usually she feels better afterwards. She has this thing where she thinks she has to act tough all the time and showing any weakness will make her less of a person I guess. Im in general not to up to sharing my feelings with people I dont know, but to people I am close to I will usually let them know. It is just annoying because I want to talk about this stuff and try to help if I can but she wont let me. That is why when I do something I bother her until she tells me what the problem is.

However, with this I cant to it. I dont know how to act. I dont know what to say, what to do. I dont know if I should just let her talk about it on her own time or ask. I dont think she should bottle all of it down, but in this case I wonder if its really my place to say anything. If not we are just going to have the most painful awkward conversations for awhile until something gives.

Sat- Went to work, lifted, went out to dinner with kurtis which was fun. We went to Old Chicagos got some pizza and just kicked it. I had quite a bit of fun. After I just came back home and hid in my hole in the basement from the world. Played some video games and got some reading done. The gf is supposed to come over tomorrow but I dont know if she will now. I dont know if I could deal with it if she did. 8 hours of awkward silence is something I dont know If I can bear if she wont talk to me about how she really is.

Sun, Mar. 7th, 2004 10:16 am (UTC)

-This is Richard-

I'm not the type to get drunk. It's not that appealing to be in a state of drunken stupor. Getting into four fights? What's up with that? I dislike fights and try to stay away from them.

As with when to talk to your girlfriend, it is such a hard decision to make. Simply because you have no idea when the right time is. She can be acting like she needs the time to think it over but needs a person near to help confront these demons or she really needs the time and if you egg it on, the whole situation may blow. Tough call but you will deal with the whole thing.

Sun, Mar. 7th, 2004 12:25 pm (UTC)

i have no idea what to tell you. i guess just be there for her... idk

Sun, Mar. 7th, 2004 01:06 pm (UTC)

I'm usually not to big on fighting either. It is when I am with everyone I work with it just becomes like that. I dont know why. That is one of the reasons I think I either need to quit going out with them. It seems like when I do things like that I become a person I dont wanna be.

Sun, Mar. 7th, 2004 01:52 pm (UTC)

So, someone else died too? holy crap man. It seems like it'd just be best for you to be there for her and offer as much support as possible. Allow for silence, you know?

I know for me if I don't want to talk about something then I won't. I feel that it's stupid to kick around the bullshit when it comes to emotions. All the same, some people need little pushes to let out feelings and that's just the way they are. There's nothing wrong with it and you would know better than anyone if she's that type of person. Do what you think is right. You understand people well.

Make sure she knows it's perfectly fine and natural to be sad in front of you, though. Even if it makes you feel awkward, it's important.